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I'm much less stressed today. Not because the work stress is less (it's not, in fact, I think there is more), but frankly I fucking refuse to let it get to me THIS badly. If everything goes wrong, it's not the end of the world. It's just not worth this much stress and trauma. Last night, I couldn't sleep for hours and was basically shaking in bed. I could feel the top of my head tingle. Nothing is worth that. Absolutely nothing. Even if I got fired (which I won't - I'm not even in trouble) it's not freaking worth that. Sometimes I think I waste my life by worrying about stupid shit. *sigh* I need to learn to focus on the now a little bit better. Even if the world does collapse around me and I lose my job - it's not worth missing out on my life over. I think my work problems all stem back to my father. Yes, I know. How easy. Blame dad. But...I was taught that you ARE your job. That people who don't graduate from college are beneath me. That your pride is in how well you do your job and your work ethic is everything. You are supposed to want to excel as hard and as fast as you can.

But...I don't believe those things. Gradually, each one of those things has become undone. I don't look down on people who don't have college degrees nor do I think they are less or unworthy or anything. I am not my job. And I don't want to become a corporate exec. I want to sit in my little office, wearing jeans, and coding. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be bothered by shit. I don't want to care about budgets. I shared this with him once and he said (kind of flippantly) "yes, you do." He never really respected me until I got my currect job. What is that about? It's funny how I care less and less what he thinks. You would think I would have cared a little less a LONG time ago, but sometimes I'm slow on the uptake.

Anyway, I guess my initial point was that I'm much less stressed today and I'm feeling good about that. I really need to learn to chill.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 13th, 2004 05:21 pm (UTC)
Sweeite, you're right.
I'm a chronic worrier, too, and I hate feeling like I'm scarificing good health in favor of worrying obsessively, so I'm in favor of chilling.
Sometimes it makes you wish you could be a happy alcoholic, no?
Jan. 13th, 2004 05:32 pm (UTC)
LOL! Definitely. Do you worry about really stupid little shit too?

Maybe we should meditate?
Jan. 13th, 2004 05:50 pm (UTC)
I was honestly awake last night at 3:30 AM thinking about a pair of socks with a hole in them...

Meditate, huh? Good idea. Ommmmmmmm.
Jan. 13th, 2004 05:52 pm (UTC)

Hmm...not helping. :) Socks, eh? I once laid awake for hours thinking about a CD that I thought I left at work. It was a copy of one I purchased and the original was about 6 feet away, but i stressed about the copy. *sigh* We need a beer.
Jan. 13th, 2004 06:38 pm (UTC)
Or twenty.
Jan. 13th, 2004 11:02 pm (UTC)
I get the same way sometimes.

A few days ago I woke up out of nowhere and had to find my planner. Now tell me, why any sane person would need to wake up in the middle of the night to find their planner which by the way was in my purse right next to me. But, what did I do? I dug through everything I own searching for it.

Tims like that make me feel insane.
Jan. 14th, 2004 03:40 pm (UTC)
Well, you aren't insane alone. I've gotten up in the middle of the night to make sure I had my purse, planner, or something else that is really vital at 2:00 a.m.

We should start a community of our own "Anal Anonymous" :)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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