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Ugh...time for work in a few.  I woke up late (on purpose) and am not quite ready yet.  I only have one meeting so that helps.  I just have to remember to relax and not get caught up in the competitive crap that my boss tries to throw out there (one of my goals). 
Ok. I've been up since 7:35 when these bastards started pounding on my house, working on the siding. I'm sooooo tired. Gah! Will this ever end? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

I'm still sick, but I FINALLY think I'm starting to get better. I just feel very listless. *sigh* I have a few things I need to do, emails I need to send, and I don't feel like it. I think that must mean I'm on the mend, and if so, yay! I'm just a little bothered by the fact that I'm behind in everything. I'm behind in some things I have to do at work, I'm behind in java class, my house is filthy. And to make matters worse, we are snowed in for day #2 (well, "iced" in, actually). A lot of things are cancelled including the government, school - but naturally I still have to brave the roads and go to work.

Food hasn't been a problem. I can't taste anything, so why bother?
I stayed home sick today. Too sick to eat even. Ok, that would be the upside. I've had two pieces of toast today and countless cups of tea. Of course, I can't work out either, but hopefull I will feel better tomorrow. I can't believe how tired I am. :(
I'm much less stressed today. Not because the work stress is less (it's not, in fact, I think there is more), but frankly I fucking refuse to let it get to me THIS badly. If everything goes wrong, it's not the end of the world. It's just not worth this much stress and trauma. Last night, I couldn't sleep for hours and was basically shaking in bed. I could feel the top of my head tingle. Nothing is worth that. Absolutely nothing. Even if I got fired (which I won't - I'm not even in trouble) it's not freaking worth that. Sometimes I think I waste my life by worrying about stupid shit. *sigh* I need to learn to focus on the now a little bit better. Even if the world does collapse around me and I lose my job - it's not worth missing out on my life over. I think my work problems all stem back to my father. Yes, I know. How easy. Blame dad. But...I was taught that you ARE your job. That people who don't graduate from college are beneath me. That your pride is in how well you do your job and your work ethic is everything. You are supposed to want to excel as hard and as fast as you can.

But...I don't believe those things. Gradually, each one of those things has become undone. I don't look down on people who don't have college degrees nor do I think they are less or unworthy or anything. I am not my job. And I don't want to become a corporate exec. I want to sit in my little office, wearing jeans, and coding. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be bothered by shit. I don't want to care about budgets. I shared this with him once and he said (kind of flippantly) "yes, you do." He never really respected me until I got my currect job. What is that about? It's funny how I care less and less what he thinks. You would think I would have cared a little less a LONG time ago, but sometimes I'm slow on the uptake.

Anyway, I guess my initial point was that I'm much less stressed today and I'm feeling good about that. I really need to learn to chill.


I'm so stressed out at work because of deadlines, etc. that I can't even sleep very well. This is prime binging time, but I'm doing well. My stomach hurts, actually, so no binging here at all. I can't focus on stuff - god, I hate this.

Jan. 10th, 2004

God, but I'm tired. Wed. and Thurs. night, I went to the viewings for my friend. Friday morning was the funeral. I think I got about 10 hours of sleep total all last week. So last night, I went to bed at 8:00 pm and got up this morning at 9:30. I didn't wake up at all, so I guess I really needed the sleep.

I'm feeling ok. I have a little stress over a work thing, but aside from that - I'm think I'm doing ok. :-)
I'm feeling a little better today. I'm really tired, but I think that's because I went to bed too late last night and I started my period (rather unexpectedly) today. But as for moods, I'm feeling a little better about everything.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your support and hugs. That meant more to me then you will ever know.

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