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God, I can't believe it. My friend died last night. First my uncle, now this. I feel so numb, so unbelievably numb. I don't even know what else to say. I hate this.

I'm doing great!

I feel really in control again and am doing MUCH better. I'm hoping this isn't the "highs", but this is how it is. Only time will tell, I suppose. Work was good today. My idiot boss wasn't there (naturally) and the entire team got SO much done. :)

Food is going well. I was off track there for a bit. Well, "off track" isn't the phrase. I was COEing like a bitch. I'm frankly surprised I didn't try to nibble on my keyboard.

Food today:
2 coffees with skim
4 mini pitas (70)
fake crab (70)
grapefruit (106)
2 hb eggs (156)
total: 402

Jan. 1st, 2004

I'm not going to my Uncle's funeral afterall. I can't get off work, if you can believe that. My corporate boss said it was fine, but my customer said that he needed me at work, since my Uncle isn't a direct family member (mother/father/sibling/grandparent). WTF? He is SUCH a slacker and is out until about 1/12. Since I'm his deputy, I have to be there so he can stay home and sit on his ass!

I felt really guilty, even though this is out of my control. I spent the evening with my parents instead of going to a party like I had originally intended. We just hung out and I feel a lot better about not going. I just wanted to go to show support for my dad because it was his brother, but he was so supportive of me not going. He can be really awesome, sometimes. :)

Dec. 30th, 2003

Just a quick note - my uncle has died and I'm going to be away for a few days. I'm either leaving tomorrow or Thursday, but I wanted to make sure I posted this in case I disappear suddenly.

Take care everyone.
Hugs - Cylla
I've been having some really manic feelings lately. It really fluxuates. I've never been depressed before. NEVER. And suddenly, for about the last month or so, I'm really starting to feel depressed for a little while and then content sometimes. I don't know if this is ED related or not. Several times, not that often, I've felt so...black that I just sat and stared at the tv. I don't think I could have gotten up if I wanted to. I really don't know what to do. I'm not in the mood to go see a therapist right now. I'm scared. Or something. I can't quite tell. I just don't want to. But I really don't know what exactly to do. Maybe it's not even depression, maybe it's just the "winter blues" or something. Or because I'm not exactly thrilled with my current job and I'm a little stressed because I don't know what in the hell I want to do. Or maybe those things are symptoms of depression (although, I *really* don't like my job very much right now and my boss is the laziest fucker I've ever seen). I just really don't know.
I had a really nice Christmas, but did terrible food-wise. The next paragraph is actually x-posted.

**
*sigh* I ate everything in sight yesterday. It was like it was the last day the earth would have food. I'm terrified of getting on the scale, so I didn't today. I think I'm going to eat only veggies tomorrow, fast Sunday and Monday, and then weigh myself on Tuesday. At least it won't be so bad then. I'm sure I gained five pounds from all of the eating. Gotta love COE. Grrr...
**

I just can't believe how much control I lost or how much I left food be in control. It was horrible. I just kept eating and eating. I feel like such a fat slob now.

Dec. 13th, 2003

I'm still really busy and still feeling quite overwhelmed, but I'm getting a lot accomplished, so I feel a little better. I just have one major thing to do, which I'm doing tomorrow, and then I will feel a bit better. Still loads to do though, including Christmas shop for a few more people and also buy two birthday presents. *sigh* Usually, Christmas time is the slow time at work. This year, however, it's ten times busier than normal. That's SO not helping.

Food-wise, things are going really good. My mother commented that my face is starting to look thin. Not thinnER, but thin. :-) No one has ever said that to me before.

Food today:
took my parents out for their anniversary so fasted today until then. I had about 1/3 of the pad thai that I ordered. :-)
I'm busy today, as always, but I'm getting a LOT accomplished. I did about 12 Christmas/Yule/Kwanzaa/Hanakkah cards and some other stuff.

Earlier, when I ran errands, I got food for a small party I'm having on Thursday night. I knew I shouldn't have done that, but I was trying to get stuff done. So now I have Gouda, Muenster, and Pepper Jack (my favs, but the Gouda...*sigh*) sitting in the fridge and they keep calling me. I can hear them. EAT ME, CYLLA. Gah! So far, I've managed to stay strong. What kind of idiot puts her favorite cheese in the fridge when she's a known binger? Good God, I'm an idiot!

I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday. It's because I managed to get some things done. I did all on yesterday's list and today's and did some extra Tuesday stuff. God, I sound very OCD, don't I?

Have a great week everyone!

Dec. 6th, 2003

What a long week this has been. Nothing special - good or bad. Just long with a lot of work both professionally and personally. With the holidays approaching, it adds more to my plate. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment and there's a lot of buzzing in my head. Usually my elaborate lists calm me down and make me feel like I'm getting a handle on things, but it's not doing it this time. I feel really disorganized even though the back of my brain knows I'm not. I feel out of control and like everything is chaos. I also think the next three weeks of my life are planned to an inch of my teeth. I have a master list of everything that needs to be done and I've got a separate schedule in my planner for the days that I'm doing those thing. It's not like I'm taking on too much, it's just that I have so much going on with work (it's REALLY busy right now), trying to get work done on my house and all that entails(like going through the Home Owner's Association to get approval for a few things), getting Christmas and birthday gifts purchased, trying to do regular friendship maintenance (calls, emails, movies, etc.), seeing my parents from time to time (need to see them tomorrow to help them fix their computer), regular life stuff like shopping, cleaning, laundry, and getting gas. I just feel a little out of control and I don't know how to get that control feeling back. I hate living in chaos.
I really should spend more time in my own journal and a little less time in the community I joined.

Anyway, survey meme lifted from javina

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